The Condensed Chronicles of Narnia
by amaretto and coke
Summary: With emphasis on DENSE. Rating for bad language.


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A/N:For everyone who liked "Of Horses and Boys", a sequel is coming sometime early next year. Or maybe just another chapter or two. I'll decide later. Thanks for reviewing, by the way.

These summaries of CoN were written in about two hours under the influence of spiked hot chocolate and insomnia. Nor will these summaries really help you understand nuances concerning the stories. They're simply here to make you groan or laugh. Review, flame at will. I don't particularly care.

And without further ado, here is the entire Chronicles of Narnia, the condensed version.

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The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Summary: Girl enters random piece of furniture and finds another world, prompting copycat antics by children worldwide amidst parental howling and threats of lawsuits.

After entering wardrobe, girl finds hideous man-beast. She does not run off howling like a normal child, but instead befriends said beast and has tea with him.

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Girl comes back, tells brothers and sister about other world and is correctly judged to be wacko.

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ANGST.

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Girl is eventually proven correct as brothers and sister also enter world, discovering many things that are oddly enough, just as they are in England.

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Jerk-ish elder brother runs away for the sake of candy.

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ANGST.

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Family (both human and beaver) meet hella big Lion.

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Jerk-ish older brother bought at a rather steep price.

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Lion DIES.

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ANGST.

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For rather odd reasons, Lion is alive.

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Children grow up into archaic-speaking adults, leave wardrobe and dumb down again.

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END.

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Prince Caspian.

Summary: Innocent children are taken away from a proper education to nearly die of thirst on a deserted island.

Lots and lots and LOTS of grumbling.

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Children find a hairy beast, who is determined to be a dwarf. Mass confusion ensues concerning "proper ages."

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Prince Caspian is introduced. Lucian fans everywhere prick up their ears.

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Original story is resumed after three chapters of entirely different story.

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Because of change of geographical landmarks, children and Dwarf have issues trying to get back to Caspian's camp. Youngest girl sees hella big lion. Like a modern day Cassandra, she is openly mocked. ANGST.

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Party gives up logical reasoning after dealing with each other's company and bad odors, and follow youngest girl.

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Party meets hella big lion. The men are sent to do battle at the risk of death, the women get to go to a party.

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Fighting. Miraz DIES.

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Eldest brother and sister are informed that they need to get a life. Younger brother and sister are told that they can stay.

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END.

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The Voyage of the 'Dawn Treader'.

Summary: Having nothing better to do with his time, like ruling a country, King Caspian goes off to get into a lot of trouble. And taunt Lucian fans.

Asshole cousin is introduced.

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All three children are sucked into Narnia for no plausible reason. Only two years have passed, as opposed to several hundred, conveniently putting Lucy and Caspian at relatable ages. Lucian fans shriek loudly.

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Asshole cousin discovers new depths of assiness.

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Majority of party is sold into slavery for plot contrivances. Lucian fans rejoice.

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Storms ensue. A random person DIES.

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Asshole cousin is reformed through literal transformation, now becoming merely obnoxious. Heartfelt talk ensues. Slash fans begin grinning.

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Lucy suddenly realizes that she's not as pretty as Susan and prepares to destroy nations by chanting a spell instead of being logical and working out or buying some makeup. Hella big lion appears. ANGST.

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Caspian discovers a pretty girl. Lucian fans howl, rip several pages from the book.

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Caspian gets a bug up his butt and wants to keep exploring. Annoying glorified rat launches into aggravating speech. ANGST. 

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For no reason at all, a Lamb appears. The hopes of Lucian fans are dashed asunder as Lamb changes into hella big Lion and sends two eldest children away for good. Obnoxious cousin is allowed to stay.

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END.

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The Silver Chair.

Summary: Castle full of giants licking their lips at non-giant persons bad.

Random female character is introduced.

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Random female and obnoxious boy somehow end up on a mountain. Hella big lion appears. Obnoxious boy does not DIE.

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Random female is flung to Narnia.

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Arguing.

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Sardonic character is introduced. He is the most reasonable character for the majority of the book. He is also a drunk.

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Arguing. After many miles of only seeing giants, the party meets a beautiful woman and a suit of non-speaking armor in the middle of nowhere. This is not seen as strange.

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Arguing. 

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The characters fall into a hole.

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ANGST.

ANGST.

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The lost prince is found. The random female immediately thinks he's a jerk. Non-conventional shippers begin reading subtext.

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After disputations on faith, the sardonic character burns the hell out of his foot.

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The characters get out of the hole, after yet another unknown world is introduced and then completely forgotten about.

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King Caspian DIES. ANGST.

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After apologizing to the sardonic character for arguing with him, the two brats return to England and beat the crap out of a lot of people.

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END.

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The Horse and His Boy.

Summary: Be nice to the underlings. They usually end up being your boss.

A very ignorant main character is introduced. Naturally, he is the hero and the one that we should (ultimately) emulate.

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A completely capable, strong, independent female character is introduced. Naturally, she is set up to be a bitch.

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Arguing. The horse is courageous but a dick, the mare is sensible but a pushover.

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The boy is separated from the party. He finds momentary happiness, and also meets some real freaks.

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The girl interrupts a royal parade and surprisingly does not DIE. She finds momentary annoyance, and also meets some real freaks, one of which is her intended husband.

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The group traverses a desert, going by some absolutely horrid directions.

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The girl gets scratched.

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ANGST.

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A twenty-minute war begins. Random people DIE.

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The ignorant peasant boy finds out that he is a) one of a set of twins and b) royalty, while the war horse is humiliated and the princess-turned-commoner becomes noble again through her marriage to the ignorant boy.

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END.

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The Magician's Nephew.

Summary: Uncles, bad. Overly tall women with bad attitudes, bad but sexy.

Girl is sent into another world by picking up a ring. That's what you get for touching things that aren't yours.

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After finding girl, boy discovers a witch. Not realizing that witches are generally evil (despite his rather good knowledge of fairy tales), he takes her home with him.

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Witch causes predictable havoc. Goes into the streets of England to eat lunch and riot.

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Boy muses over dying mother. ANGST.

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Riot ensues.

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Five people and a horse witness a hella big lion singing an entire planet into existence.

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The horse sprouts wings.

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The boy picks an apple.

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Boy's mother does not DIE.

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Apple sprouts a tree, which is later blown down and converted into furniture as opposed to matchwood.

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END.

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The Last Battle.

Summary: Narnia really is_ just like England! Paging Susan Pevensie…_

Apes, which are generally intelligent, are bad. Donkeys, which are generally stupid, are good.

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Hella big Lion appears in Narnia. Except he's not really that big this time around. Mass confusion ensues.

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The two brats that saved Prince Rillian pop up to assist the last King of Narnia. The boy is still semi-obnoxious; the girl spends her time falling in love with a unicorn. ANGST.

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More confusion. The dwarves as a collective turn evil. Except for a Red Dwarf, because without exception Red Dwarves are noble if skeptical, while Black Dwarves are without exception bitter and evil. ANGST. 

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Calormenes invade Narnia, bringing with them bad eco-sense and bad smells. War begins. ANGST.

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The horses DIE.

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More people DIE.

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The King realizes that everyone is DEAD. He drags a soldier with him as he goes to DIE.

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The inexorable Tash appears, causing quite a stink both figuratively and literally.

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Tash goes away.

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A literal interpretation of the Book of Revelation begins, ending with Peter locking the door with the key given to him by the Lion.

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For the first and last time, Susan is openly denounced as a jerk.

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Everyone is DEAD, but very happy anyway.

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END.


End file.
